Walking with the knowledge that someone has not forgiven us is difficult, but through it we find levels of forgiveness and acceptance that we may not have known were possible.
Living Clean, Chapter 5, “Reparations and Reconciliation”
Over time in NA, we learn that we deserve forgiveness. This discovery comes, in part, as a result of the Ninth Step remedies. Part of our preparation for this process is to understand why we do it. To make meaningful and lasting change in our lives, we must come to terms with the consequences of our actions and the damage we have caused.
Although being forgiven by those we have hurt is a blessing, finding self-acceptance cannot depend on the actions of another. We must come to terms with ourselves before we can heal from our past. Forgiving ourselves is not dependent on receiving forgiveness from those we have harmed.
Reconciliation may not always be possible. Even though we may believe we deserve to be heard and forgiven, some will justifiably block our efforts. What happens then? It is hard enough to muster up the courage to undertake this process – but then must we be humble enough to accept the backlash, even if it is outright rejection? This rejection can be excruciating for those of us whose self-worth depends solely on being liked by others. We ask ourselves: “Do I still deserve to be forgiven? How do I get over this?”
No one is obligated to forgive us. We are powerless over other people's willingness or readiness. In a situation like this, we have one choice to heal: move forward. This can take time because rejection is painful. As hard as it is to accept it, we have to find a way to live with this pain without causing it to others. We must try to forgive ourselves for the consequences of our actions.
Not being forgiven is difficult in itself – and a lesson in itself in the exercise of spiritual principles. This experience may give us pause the next time we want to fend off someone else's correction. We may forgive more quickly because we know what it's like to experience this obstacle and how much effort it takes to live with it and let it go.
Today I will try to accept my past and overcome it, although others may not. All I can do - today and every day - is to do better.
