Integrity is the state of complete integration: Our actions, our thinking, our feelings, our ideals, and our values are all in harmony.
Living Purely, Chapter 3, “Spirituality is Practical”
Most of us believe that having integrity means being honest and trustworthy, keeping our word. While this is certainly true, integrity has a deeper and more nuanced meaning that we don't always take into account: to be complete, to be wholly ourselves, to be whole in any given moment, regardless of anyone's presence.
As active addicts, we have often demonstrated a lack of integrity. We were not reliable, trustworthy or responsible and we were not of integrity. We were leaving out parts of the truth and parts of ourselves. "I was like a table with three legs," one member joked. "Yes, I could stand up, but don't try to lean on me."
We compartmentalized our existence: We behaved in certain ways with some but not with others, and we lived double—sometimes multiple—lives. These ways of being can follow us into recovery. How we act and look on the outside doesn't always match who we really are - or try to be - on the inside. One member put it this way: “Today, I know I'm out of tune with my values when my emotions reflect my flaws—like fear and judgment—and I act on them. Instead, I try to appear as honestly and completely “me” as possible. This includes the 'ideal self' that I want to be in my relationships and interactions."
It is unlikely that our emotions "match" our ideals and values all the time. This friction can be productive—we learn to do acts of love even when we don't necessarily feel the love. For example, we can treat a member we don't like with kindness and respect. We can minister right alongside someone, even if we sometimes imagine pushing them into a swamp full of alligators. Other times, our emotions are less reactive—they match our conscience rather than our flaws. In these cases, it may be necessary and appropriate to address one's behavior. Integrity guides our decisions and how we express ourselves in those moments. It allows us to risk the disappointment and anger of others. This means being true to ourselves. This is honesty and trustworthiness. This is Love.
I will practice integrity by being authentically who I am, ensuring that my actions reflect what is within me. I will continue on this path of distinguishing my consciousness from my reactions - and, of course, I will be present when I say I will be.
