Another member found that making amends meant no longer putting up with the abuse and felt that she finally had permission to move away from a destructive home.
Living Purely, chapter five, “Family”
Preparing to make substantial repairs involves a lot of work in steps one through eight. These Steps give us a new perspective on our place in the world, a better understanding of ourselves, and a conscious contact with a Higher Power. We gain courage and self-respect along the way - these will be vital supplies for us as we make our amends. The guidance of a supporter and the experience of other members shape our approach. With their input, we decide what our immediate remedy will look like in each case and how we can avoid "hurting them or others"—including ourselves. The same circle of friends and supporters reminds us to put our name on that list.
Family dynamics and the burdens of a lifetime can complicate some of our repairs. Our support group reminds us that holding ourselves accountable does not mean condoning mistreatment. In some cases, we can protect ourselves from being hurt by setting boundaries—healthy boundaries make for healthy—or at least healthier—relationships. In other relationships, the toxicity continues to be unbearable and the repair process often reveals the need to get more distance. We can stop giving in to those who ignore our needs and forgive ourselves for putting up with what was never okay. As part of making amends to ourselves, many of us reevaluate how we use our time and energy.
Working through a list of fixes brings clarity. Protecting ourselves by setting boundaries about what we will and will not tolerate is often part of the repairs we make to ourselves. We take responsibility for our beliefs, feelings and actions. It is not possible or necessary to rebuild every relationship, but the relationship with ourselves is certainly worth the effort.
I can forgive myself for putting up with abuse in the past and make amends to myself by reexamining my approach to this very difficult relationship with me. What boundaries might I need to introduce or strengthen?
