Our ability to enjoy our lives is directly related to our willingness to let go of self-obsession.
Living Clean, Chapter 7, “Love”
The very idea of dancing without some "chemical courage" sounds intimidating, if not absurd, when we're fresh out of recovery. Clubs may have been in the early chapters of our history, but as fun turned into trouble fun and later just plain trouble, the dancing we did was more about commerce than enjoyment. Going to our first NA “dance” can be a rite of passage, especially for those of us who danced for fun or for edification in our using days.
As the saying goes, "We're funny whether we dance or not, so let's dance." We might warm up by hanging out with the smokers after a gathering. A familiar face from the gatherings asks us if we will come in. Not wanting to disappoint him, we readily say, “Oh. OK”.
We may find the willingness we need to walk through the door and not have any to spare when it comes time to dance. We'll be lined up against the wall: too tough, too cool, too selfish to try dancing clean. When and if we do, teenage doubt returns and asks, “Am I doing it right? Do I look attractive?” and other obnoxious questions that touch on our insecurities.
We retreat to the bathroom where we meet a member of the group we frequent. He reads our minds and gives us this wise advice: “Remember that we are all egomaniacs. I just guess they're all too busy with themselves to bother with my dance." This practical advice helps us fight our egomania and find the will to get back on the track.
It's not like our preoccupation with ourselves ends after a NA dance. However, if we pay attention, there is a lesson about willingness that we can apply to other pursuits. Recognizing that if we're thinking about ourselves, we're not really enjoying what we're doing is a good place to start. With this, we can find the willingness to let go of those unhelpful thoughts about ourselves that are the enemy of happiness.
I will not let egomania limit my choices or limit my joy today. I will put aside the sick thoughts that prevent me from living in the moment and enjoying life clearly. I might as well dance.
